Thursday, April 06, 2006

Colonel Moseley on Christmas

Here is a Yuletide piece....bah, humbug!

What ho, ho, ho ! Festive Greetings to one and all. I'm not sure whether in this day and age, I am permitted to single out Christmas or whether I should greet you inter-denominationally and include additional felicitations for Divali and Hanukkah. Alternatively, perhaps I should substitute secular greetings, in which case "Festive impending Winterbreak" to all readers.

The Mem is up to her armpits in tinsel and stuffing and has sent me out of the way to the study with a mulled pink gin. I thought I would use the time to share with you my thoughts on the impending annual ritual: so here are my top ten gripes and objects of derision on Christmas:

1. It starts too early - just after the shelves at Sainsbury's are cleared of Easter eggs,

2. Exchanging Christmas cards with scores of people with whom you never have any contact is mindless and expensive,

3. Most Christmas gifts are pointless and costly; the process epitomizes precisely the opposite of the values that Christmas is supposed to promote,

4. Family Christmas newsletters are formulaic, boastful and yet another unfortunate import from America; they should be sent back together with Halloween, Father's Day, sleepovers, family values and therapy,

5. Supermarkets in the week before Christmas are a zoo - and that's being unfair to zoos,

6. Christmas facilitates family get-togethers; these events are unnecessary and stressful. Lubricated by resentment and drink, they usually end in tears and often in breakdown or divorce,

7. Similarly office parties promote unnatural proximity, familiarity and even abandon with objects of loathing, fear or lust; they amount to a heady cocktail of anger, alcohol and lechery and frequently end in tears, a brawl or redundancy,

8. Too many people nowadays seem to aspire to the vacuous celebrity/Hello magazine version of Christmas, where Cilla, Dale and Michael Winner exchange gifts in diamante by the pool at Sandy Lane; they are sad and deluded,

9. Christmas is overrated and fattening. Like the Titanic, it's too costly and too long, but still holds a morbid fascination, and

10. To risk stating the obvious, most of us have lost sight of the whole point of Christmas.

I hope you survive it and enjoy the Happiest of New Years. Pip, pip!!

*this piece first appeared in Birmingham 13

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